HEAR ME THIS

Hello, I know whats on your mind. "Why the hell are you here? i thought You probably dead now". Well, I am here now. 

I never got a chances to really spit it out what was on my mind and what's my excuses all these time. Let me make it clear, our last chapter. Last part. 'The Faith'. In this point You probably gonna say, "cut the fucking drama.. I had enough. Im happy now". Dont get me wrong, sweetie.. I am happy too. So dont worry about a thing. Cuz every lil thing is gonna be allright. At least thats some quotes that arent magical, but You would probably believe it. Not about mumbo jumbo about afterlife. So sit back and relax. Because I am so relaxed, even bird still chirping beautifully in this nice morning. And I am kissing the sun as you want. 

So, I am dissapointed. And I have right to felt that way. Why? Because exactly, our last chapter ended up so anti climactic. All My biggest dream, just gone that way. Maybe You dont realize how much It meant for Me. Maybe you just thinking like thtas one of my smelly excuses. Hey, You can say whatever you wanted to say. Thats all right. But hear me this..

You know that I changed drastically right? I found this path of believing God. The name is Allah. God that we all know He is here. Was here. Always be here. That We dissapoint so much all our life but still manage to help Us. Our crisis together. Even You, when You were down.. You still thinking about Him. You know I am right this point. 

Those change are sad, dramatic, and full of mistakes. If you feel what i feel, you will know what I am talking about. And one of the biggest part of My life, My biggest prayer that I am STILL doing it until right now. Right now... Is you change to be better. Please, I dont change just because of this shit. Thats so hillarious and scary. No. Not at all. I dont even know if us being together is even possible again. But i know whats possible, Allah change You to be in His way. 

But hey, at that time.. Our Last chapter, it seems even more impossibly real. You are changed and you said that you are mine. WOW. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? 

I am sorry.. Im not coming here to telling you our chronological event of story. 

What I wanna say, i felt blessed. Happy. I cant even know how to describe it. You know how happy I am. You know it right? But it went down like that. Bad. Very bad.

Is that your fault? Or mine? Honestly, I will took the biggest blame. I do. Give it to me. Its actually one of my biggest downfall. Biggest mistakes. Yeah.. Me, saying another mistakes. Downfall as a friend, as a lover, as a man you can trust, as a preacher (juru dakwah), as a student.. And lastly as a Allah's slave. Now I know, what i am fighting for.. What I dreamt every day, even though until today I still wanted it.. Its all wrong. It was all mistakes. Not Allahs way. Not the way of Salaf. the way I preach you. The way I teach you. Its all wrong from the beginning. I am sorry.  

What I really desire is something that Allah really hate. And what did it cost? Literally everything...

But it really changed me. You will surprise how big it changed me. I will guarantee you. 

My big prayer now is.. "Ya Allah, Dont meet me with Her.. Except in a virtue, kindness.. that you ridho"

Dont be mistaken.. I am not gonna chase you now. I am afraid Allah will punish me stronger than the last time. I dont know if I could take it anymore. But I just wanna say even today.. I still wants the best for both of us. Best in Allah's way. Not our personal way. Not what our brain wants, our appetence wants.. No. 

I will be more careful of what im doing. As a preacher, candidate of Ustadz, teacher, friend, family whatever.. Because I know.. Some wound cant be healed. And I am sorry to made that wound. :'(  for us. 

Sincerely, biggest sinner You know.. 

"teenage angst are paid off well.. Now I am bored and old". 

Big E. 

AKHIR SEBUAH BUKU.

buku ini selesai juga.

setelah membuat penulisnya gila.

karena gadis kontradiktif pemaksa.

dipaksa hawa nafsunya yang semakin menggila.

penulis itu akhirnya tersadar.

kisah kisah itu hanya membuatnya ambyar.

akan bayangan dan angan angan kosong yang tidak terbayar.

"aku tak bisa memaksakan sesuatu", katanya.

"tapi bayangan bayangan itu  terpotret jelas dikepalaku".

"tubuhku dihempas Tuhan setelah melihat itu".

"aku dihukum Tuhan karena disuruh patuh, aku tak mau".

ia tidak pernah digoncang sedahsyat itu. 

kejadian lima hari lalu, membuatnya berubah selamanya.

manusia, tak bisa kuat hanya karena cinta.

manusia, hanya peduli yang diinginkan olehnya.

manusia, hanya merasa baik apa yang dianggap baik oleh dirinya.

tapi, ketika mereka diguncang,  ditenggelamkan, di hempaskan,

mereka baru tahu kalau pilihan  itu, tak baik untuk mereka. 

akhirnya, buku itu pun terpaksa ia selesaikan. 

dengan beban yang semakin berat dan air mata yang tak kunjung hillang,

"aku menamatkan buku ini karena Allah". 

"kisah kisahku dengan gadis kontradiktif berambut hitam, selesai". 

"yang dulu Ia aku pandang begitu tinggi dan sekarang begitu rendah".

"yang dulu Ia aku pandang manusia paling cerdas didunia".

"sekarang Ia hanyalah seekor Haina yang berteman dengan hawa nafsunya".

" sekarang Ia hanyalah manusia berotak batu. yang diperlihatkan jalan mulus dan indah, namun memilih jalan bebatuan dan jelek".

begini akhir dari buku itu, 

wahai Allah yang maha membolak balikkan hati, teguhkanlah aku diatas agamamu ini. janjiMu pasti benar. Muhammad bukan pembohong dan pembual!

sungguh, itu kata kata yang Dandelion pernah katakan kepadaku. ketika dirinya belum dikuasai  hawa nafsu. dan atas izin Allah, yang juga Tuhan yang ia sembah bersamaku, kata katanya itu mengubah hatiku, dan menenangkan jiwaku. itulah hidayah dari Allah. dan hidayah datang jika kita menghampirinya. 

Dandelion, aku izin pamit. izinkan aku membencimu karena Allah. izinkan  Allah mengabulkan doamu untuk menetapkan hatiku diatas agamaNya. dan semoga engkau juga menyusul.

Dandelion, Allah membuka semuanya. kau bukan orang baik sebagaimana aku juga bukan. dan memang orang bodoh dan buruk selalu menyukai takdir baik tentang cinta tapi menolak takdir tentang surga dan neraka. takdir tentang cobaan dan azab. seperti, "kalau kita ditakdirkan bersama, kita akan bertemu lagi". tapi bukan, "ini sudah takdirnya azab diturunkan kepada kita".

Dandelion, lima hari lalu aku di azab oleh Allah. aku tak dapat berbuat apa apa sebagaimana orang yang mau binasa. kalau aku tetap menulis buku ini, aku bisa benar benar binasa. 

akhir yang buruk untuk sebuah buku tidak menjadikan keburukan bagi penulisnya. bisa jadi itu adalah kebaikan yang sebenar benarnya. 

aku berdoa kepada Allah, agar kita tidak pernah dipertemukan lagi, kecuali dalam kebaikan. 

Wahai Allah, izinkan aku menyebut Dandelion untuk terakhir kalinya,

selamat jalan, 

Dandelion.