Hello, I know whats on your mind. "Why the hell are you here? i thought You probably dead now". Well, I am here now.
I never got a chances to really spit it out what was on my mind and what's my excuses all these time. Let me make it clear, our last chapter. Last part. 'The Faith'. In this point You probably gonna say, "cut the fucking drama.. I had enough. Im happy now". Dont get me wrong, sweetie.. I am happy too. So dont worry about a thing. Cuz every lil thing is gonna be allright. At least thats some quotes that arent magical, but You would probably believe it. Not about mumbo jumbo about afterlife. So sit back and relax. Because I am so relaxed, even bird still chirping beautifully in this nice morning. And I am kissing the sun as you want.
So, I am dissapointed. And I have right to felt that way. Why? Because exactly, our last chapter ended up so anti climactic. All My biggest dream, just gone that way. Maybe You dont realize how much It meant for Me. Maybe you just thinking like thtas one of my smelly excuses. Hey, You can say whatever you wanted to say. Thats all right. But hear me this..
You know that I changed drastically right? I found this path of believing God. The name is Allah. God that we all know He is here. Was here. Always be here. That We dissapoint so much all our life but still manage to help Us. Our crisis together. Even You, when You were down.. You still thinking about Him. You know I am right this point.
Those change are sad, dramatic, and full of mistakes. If you feel what i feel, you will know what I am talking about. And one of the biggest part of My life, My biggest prayer that I am STILL doing it until right now. Right now... Is you change to be better. Please, I dont change just because of this shit. Thats so hillarious and scary. No. Not at all. I dont even know if us being together is even possible again. But i know whats possible, Allah change You to be in His way.
But hey, at that time.. Our Last chapter, it seems even more impossibly real. You are changed and you said that you are mine. WOW. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
I am sorry.. Im not coming here to telling you our chronological event of story.
What I wanna say, i felt blessed. Happy. I cant even know how to describe it. You know how happy I am. You know it right? But it went down like that. Bad. Very bad.
Is that your fault? Or mine? Honestly, I will took the biggest blame. I do. Give it to me. Its actually one of my biggest downfall. Biggest mistakes. Yeah.. Me, saying another mistakes. Downfall as a friend, as a lover, as a man you can trust, as a preacher (juru dakwah), as a student.. And lastly as a Allah's slave. Now I know, what i am fighting for.. What I dreamt every day, even though until today I still wanted it.. Its all wrong. It was all mistakes. Not Allahs way. Not the way of Salaf. the way I preach you. The way I teach you. Its all wrong from the beginning. I am sorry.
What I really desire is something that Allah really hate. And what did it cost? Literally everything...
But it really changed me. You will surprise how big it changed me. I will guarantee you.
My big prayer now is.. "Ya Allah, Dont meet me with Her.. Except in a virtue, kindness.. that you ridho"
Dont be mistaken.. I am not gonna chase you now. I am afraid Allah will punish me stronger than the last time. I dont know if I could take it anymore. But I just wanna say even today.. I still wants the best for both of us. Best in Allah's way. Not our personal way. Not what our brain wants, our appetence wants.. No.
I will be more careful of what im doing. As a preacher, candidate of Ustadz, teacher, friend, family whatever.. Because I know.. Some wound cant be healed. And I am sorry to made that wound. :'( for us.
Sincerely, biggest sinner You know..
"teenage angst are paid off well.. Now I am bored and old".
Big E.
